Well…here I am again. It has been a few years since I have done this. A lot has changed. My son started pre school last year. Three half days a week. Hated everything about it. But it was not too bad. He adjusted and so did I, even though it was rough. He was not gone for too long. Now this year is different. He started kindergarten. Five full days away from mama. And me away from him. Neither of us are adjusting well. He is a mess. I am a mess. I miss him more then words could even say. My daughter on the other hand is thriving. I could not be more proud. She loves school. Can’t wait to get there. Even better helps me and my son through it all. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Now I drop the kids at school and come home. It is empty here. Quiet. Sad. I have no little buddy to shop with or help me clean. No cuddles all day on the couch. No one to eat lunch with. No sticky fingers touching my clean laundry as I try to fold things. My heart hurts. I am sad. I am not ready to start this next chapter. It has been three school days and I am already ready for them to be back home with me. I’m not even sure I can make it through the whole week. I come home and just cry. I have accomplished nothing so far.
I’m sure it will get easier. I hope it does for him atleast. I’m not sure it will for me. But really I have no choice. I have things I want to do. Get my home organized finally. Read those cookbooks I never got to that I got for Christmas years ago. Write my blog again (baby steps so here I am! Lol) just now there seems to be more pressure. I was a stay at home mama. Now I just stay at home…not being a mama. I can do things at their school which is nice. I want my son to get adjusted first though. So for now I am just going to take it one day at a time. Try to pick myself up off the floor. I miss my babies. I miss the cuddles. I miss holding them and taking care of them. I am in a dark place. Hoping for some sunlight soon. Just need to figure out how to make that happen.
I know I have not been in here in a while. It is crazy how fast the time is flying by. I need to get back to writing. It was such an outlet. I love posting my food. I love posting about my life. Even more I love going back and reading it all. Hopefully I can get on here a little more soon. Today I want to talk about something a little different. I want to talk about someone else. I have a friend that is having a bit of troubles in her marriage. It happens. We have all been there. Frustrated. Feeling overworked and underappreciated. I mean for God sake we are just human. Even though we sometimes look like super mom’s and wonder how that person could possible accomplish those things…we are all weak. We put our best foot forward and press on everyday. We wake up every morning and think in our head “ok let’s do this”. As mom’s and wives we are the ultimate person. We are expected to do it all. And we try. Somehow we always seem to get it done. Even if half the time we are pulling things out of our ass. We are the organizers. The boss. We are strong because we need to be. We are the mama bear to our cubs. The protectors of our children. And without a pause we will destroy You if you try and disturb or upset any of that.
That being said…sometimes we sit outside at 4am and cry. Sometimes we have a reason. Other times we don’t. Sometimes it is just the sheer magnitude of life that weighs on our shoulders that is so hard. Life is no joke. Some days it takes your heart out and stomps on it. Now, that is the time when you need that other person. The one that puts his hand on your shoulder and makes you feel at peace again. The one that makes it worth all of those things that you do. Mostly the one that you are doing these things for. He (or she for that matter) needs to be your partner. Even if you are the one in charge. Maybe you are better at stuff. Maybe you want to be in charge. Maybe…it is just the way the cards fell and it is what it is. But we NEED them to be on our side. Doing this alone is impossible. Well not impossible. There are plenty of people who do and I don’t know how. But I am getting off track. What we want as women is to be noticed. Loved. Thought of. We need and crave attention. Not a lot. Just a little. Sometimes it is nice to hear how much someone appreciates what you do. Dinner you made. Appointments you keps in order. Bills paid on time. We need to know you see us. As people. Not Just this machine that does everything. We don’t expect you to be us. You can’t be. God created women so we could do the things men can not. We are multitaskers. And damn good at it. So tell us!! You have no idea how much a little compliment would mean. A little romance. A little attention. Maybe a quick make out session in the bathroom Haha Haha. Im just saying.
I Just want to give. Shout out to the women that are struggeling with this life long complaint about their men. We deserve better. We deserve it all. We do so much and require so much little in return.
I am thinking of you tonight. Fight for love. You deserve all of the love in this world. But don’t give up. The best things are worth fighting for. I have faith that he will come through. Who would want to loose you? Love you girl.
So today was one of those days you wish you could forget. I woke up to dog poop all over my mother in law suite…rushing to get my daughter ready and out the door for the bus. It was everywhere. The kind of thing you might see on a movie or in your worst nightmare. The smell was so bad it hit me in the face as soon as I came down the stairs. I can’t imagine what the poor dog felt as this came out of his body but my god it was bad for me. The worst part was I was having my aunt come to my house to babysit my son in an hour and I had no idea what to do. I mean I could hardly even think about what happened no less clean it up. So after a few upset text messages to my husband…I threw old towels over it and shut and locked the door…to have my less sensitive stomached husband deal with it when he got home. I did what I needed to do and then came home. Then not even an hour later my son (who is potty training now) just let loose on my favorite chair. Enough pee to soak the whole thing to a soaking wet mess. And now I have no idea how to deal with it as the cushions don’t come off. I am mad. I am disgusted. I now have enough bodily fluids in my house to prob have it condemned. I try to not freak out. My husband comes home and cleans…I make myself a drink. I am supposed to go to a PTO meeting tonight. I can’t. I am just beat down. I am tired. And sad. And grossed out. And terrified of I leave my house I will smell like all of the terrible things that have happened here today. So I forgo the meeting. Then something happens….
It actually turns into the best night ever. I made dinner. Just meatloaf. We sat at the table and laughed and laughed. Had staring contests. Listened to music that took me back to a house me and my husband used to live in before children. A time that was so hard…yet so fun at the same time. The good memories flooded my brain. We sang…and talked about the past. It made me feel peaceful again. Like everything I do is worth it. It means something. We were happy. All of us. Enjoying each other. One of the best nights I have had in a while.
Just for a second I want to say thank you to my husband for even having those memories. He brought me through some of the darkest times in my life. When I thought there was no hope he lifted me up. I would be lost without this man. Next year is 10 years married…16 years with him in my life. I thank God he put him with me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a blessing. But thank you.
Well it is start of summer in our house. It is a first “summer” for us as my daughter has just finished her first year of school. I am happy to say she loves every min of it and was sad when she realized she would be leaving teachers and friends for a little while. I plan on lots of fun things for her to do to keep her occupied. Some day trips and we joined a pool so I am sure she will love that. For the end of school I decided to surprise her with a fancy tea party to end the school year and celebrate the beginning of summer. It was an amazing party with family and friends. She was so surprised and it was a lovely day. I know sometimes people look at some of the things I do as a little crazy. I mean who throws a giant tea party the last day of school? Me. That is who I am and I am darn proud of it. Lol it was a lot of work. Late night prep. And also a lot of searching around for the perfect decorations and tea cups to set my table with. I have to admit I loved every second of it. The look on her face when she walked in was worth all of the lost sleep and long hours. She told me it was the best day ever. And I don’t think you can beat that.
So my way of doing things may be a bit over the top sometimes. When I do stuff I do it big most of the time. But why not? These are the moments that are worth living for in life. At least in mine. We put so much stress on ourselves as parents. Are we doing the right things for our babies? Are they smart enough? Are they going to be decent humans when they get older? But the moments when they are young are flying by so fast. It is a bit scary. So if it is a little more on myself to do the work…so I can enjoy these little (or big) moments in life I am going to do it. The rest of my days I spend cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and making sure everyone has what they need. Its these few hours that we do something special that make me the happiest. Seeing my family so happy and enjoying all of my hard work is what makes me smile.
So do it up people!! Go that extra mile to make memories. Make your kids smile. Start a tradition they will look forward to every year. Anything to enjoy this life a little more. Its worth it. Trust me.
Pretty much every day of my life…now as a mother…I wonder how my own mother did it. She raised four kids. I have two and I am wondering how I am still standing at the end of the night. My dream was to have 5 children. I just knew I would be a great mom. A wonderful homemaker. A loving housewife. But it really is more work then I had anticipated. My mother apparently knew what she was doing. I however…do not. There was always a meal in the table around 5:30 when my dad got home from work. We all Sat together and drank big glasses of whole milk and are and talked about our day. She cleaned up after. Bathed us. Read us stories. And then tucked us all into bed. I honestly have no idea how she was able to do that. Out house was never that messy. We were never hungry. We went on family trips. Played outside. Went to the pool. How is this all possible? I am beat down after a trip to the farmers market. Still to this day She somehow gets to all of us. Babysits our children. Cooks a Sunday meal. Goes shopping or brings us things we need. And all the while still manages to go to Zumba and get her hair and nails done. But how? I need to know the secret. I know that 2 small children is a lot. The require lots of attention and love. Which I give unconditional. All day and all night. I cook dinner. I wash clothes. But yet my house is a disaster and most of the time I find myself praying that no one just decides to just stop in to say hi because I would be just too embarrassed to even open the door. Life has been rough on me lately. I am stressed for many reasons. Bills…sickness…worry. I wish I had it together more. I wish I had more energy. I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t expect to be. But I feel like I keep trying my hardest and things keep knocking me down. Why? What am I doing wrong? I have high hopes for the summer. My little girl will finally be back home with me every day and that makes me feel good. I miss her when she is gone. I want to be more organized. But I feel like I am a tiny speck of sand on a great mountain of things that need to be done before I can even think about having a place for everything. I need to get out of my depressed funk. Just not quite sure how to accomplish that. But I take my had off to my mother. That’s for sure. We all may not be perfect. We are all completely different people. We all need her still for one reason or another. And she is still there. Who knows what we would do without her.
As I sit here with my feet up taking a look around my house I feel like a failure. For 2 weeks I had my house in order (well as much as I possibly could). The living room was picked up. The dishes were done. The playroom was decent looking. I just kept at it. Plugging away. Non stop moving. All while making good food and starting to love cooking again because I could do it in a nice and clean kitchen. One by one these things started to slip away…again. I know my house is not going to be perfect. But I thought I had found my groove. I was happier. Calmer. I went to bed feeling at peace. Why is it sometimes I feel like the only one that cares? My husband loved the clean house. My 5 year old even commented about how nice it was to have everything looking so nice. So how could it have all gone wrong so fast? I don’t know.
Now today my son who is 2 has decided to start hitting and kicking things. Mostly me. And his sister on occasion. Why is he doing this? I have no idea. We are peaceful here. No spanking or hitting of any sort. Yet I was a punching bag for the two tiny fists that he has. He was not angry doing this. He thinks it is funny. Or some sort of game. But I am beat down (or beat up for that matter). I just don’t know where I went wrong. Atleast today. I wish I could go back a few days. It was easier when my house was clean. But when you go go go for so long you need a break. And I guess that was my mistake. I should have never stopped moving. I did…for what seemed like a split second. I stopped moving. And it all fell apart.
Boys are rough. My little man…for being such a tiny person can be so hard on things. My little girl was never this rough. Even when she would get mad as a toddler she would storm off with her little arm moving back and fourth…but never violent. This little boy is giving me a run for my money.
And just with that last sentence typed…I had to put my phone down from writing this. He crawled into my lap with his tiny self. Sat on my lap and gave me a kiss and a hug. We had a whole conversation about thomas the train. Then about animal noises. And then some cuddles and tickles. Just in an instant the day of hell has been washed away with his kisses. I smile again. I am still exhausted. And beat down. But I can remember again what makes it all worth it.
Today is my 8 year anniversary. Looking back over these 8 years I have so many things to be greatful for. My husband…who loves me unconditionally. He is my rock. My whole life. The reason I wake up in the morning and live my life. We have been through so much. More then some. And after all of that he still looks at me with love in his eyes. He has stood by me through things that any normal person would have bailed on…but he didnt. Because he loved me. And that is rare. In this day in age I think that the kind of love we have is not normal. I look at him still to this day like I am a teenager. Butterflies in my stomach. ..waiting for him to touch my hand or give me a kiss. He is truly the most amazing person I have ever met. I live my life to make him happy. And I hope I am doing so. I am tired. Overworked. Overwhelmed. And I want him to know that I love him for doing all he does for me. He works hard to support me and our little family. And he deserves more then he gets. Husband you are my everything. The hottest most wonderful man ever. I hope I live up to your dreams.
Looking back on other things I now have a 2 year old. How did this happen? Didn’t I just bring him home from the hospital like a week ago? Henry…you are the second most amazing man I know. If you end up to be half the man your father is I will be one proud mama. You are so smart. I love you more then you will ever know. You have shown me so much already. You make me want to be a better person. Your hugs make me smile. Your intelligence makes me proud. And your love for your family makes me feel like I am doing all of the right things. I have 2 beautiful children. God has truly blessed me. I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
As for my baby girl. You have started school. So many big changes! You are so beautiful. So compassionate. So outgoing and brave. You make me so proud. I miss you so much not being home with me every morning. But the change is good. You are loving the school life. And I knew you would. I just have to get used to it. You are only almost 5 years old. Letting go of the control and constant time spent with you is hard for me. But good for you. And I am so happy you are adjusting so well. I knew you would. I love you. I can’t wait to see you fly through this world. You are going to do great things. I have no doubt. There is something special about you that draws people to you. It is amazing.
I look forward to the future. Eight years has flown by. So much has happened. Two trips to italy…buying a home…two babies…I can’t wait to see what happens next. I love you my little family of four.