Well it is start of summer in our house. It is a first “summer” for us as my daughter has just finished her first year of school. I am happy to say she loves every min of it and was sad when she realized she would be leaving teachers and friends for a little while. I plan on lots of fun things for her to do to keep her occupied. Some day trips and we joined a pool so I am sure she will love that. For the end of school I decided to surprise her with a fancy tea party to end the school year and celebrate the beginning of summer. It was an amazing party with family and friends. She was so surprised and it was a lovely day. I know sometimes people look at some of the things I do as a little crazy. I mean who throws a giant tea party the last day of school? Me. That is who I am and I am darn proud of it. Lol it was a lot of work. Late night prep. And also a lot of searching around for the perfect decorations and tea cups to set my table with. I have to admit I loved every second of it. The look on her face when she walked in was worth all of the lost sleep and long hours. She told me it was the best day ever. And I don’t think you can beat that.
So my way of doing things may be a bit over the top sometimes. When I do stuff I do it big most of the time. But why not? These are the moments that are worth living for in life. At least in mine. We put so much stress on ourselves as parents. Are we doing the right things for our babies? Are they smart enough? Are they going to be decent humans when they get older? But the moments when they are young are flying by so fast. It is a bit scary. So if it is a little more on myself to do the work…so I can enjoy these little (or big) moments in life I am going to do it. The rest of my days I spend cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and making sure everyone has what they need. Its these few hours that we do something special that make me the happiest. Seeing my family so happy and enjoying all of my hard work is what makes me smile.
So do it up people!! Go that extra mile to make memories. Make your kids smile. Start a tradition they will look forward to every year. Anything to enjoy this life a little more. Its worth it. Trust me.
Pretty much every day of my life…now as a mother…I wonder how my own mother did it. She raised four kids. I have two and I am wondering how I am still standing at the end of the night. My dream was to have 5 children. I just knew I would be a great mom. A wonderful homemaker. A loving housewife. But it really is more work then I had anticipated. My mother apparently knew what she was doing. I however…do not. There was always a meal in the table around 5:30 when my dad got home from work. We all Sat together and drank big glasses of whole milk and are and talked about our day. She cleaned up after. Bathed us. Read us stories. And then tucked us all into bed. I honestly have no idea how she was able to do that. Out house was never that messy. We were never hungry. We went on family trips. Played outside. Went to the pool. How is this all possible? I am beat down after a trip to the farmers market. Still to this day She somehow gets to all of us. Babysits our children. Cooks a Sunday meal. Goes shopping or brings us things we need. And all the while still manages to go to Zumba and get her hair and nails done. But how? I need to know the secret. I know that 2 small children is a lot. The require lots of attention and love. Which I give unconditional. All day and all night. I cook dinner. I wash clothes. But yet my house is a disaster and most of the time I find myself praying that no one just decides to just stop in to say hi because I would be just too embarrassed to even open the door. Life has been rough on me lately. I am stressed for many reasons. Bills…sickness…worry. I wish I had it together more. I wish I had more energy. I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t expect to be. But I feel like I keep trying my hardest and things keep knocking me down. Why? What am I doing wrong? I have high hopes for the summer. My little girl will finally be back home with me every day and that makes me feel good. I miss her when she is gone. I want to be more organized. But I feel like I am a tiny speck of sand on a great mountain of things that need to be done before I can even think about having a place for everything. I need to get out of my depressed funk. Just not quite sure how to accomplish that. But I take my had off to my mother. That’s for sure. We all may not be perfect. We are all completely different people. We all need her still for one reason or another. And she is still there. Who knows what we would do without her.
As I sit here with my feet up taking a look around my house I feel like a failure. For 2 weeks I had my house in order (well as much as I possibly could). The living room was picked up. The dishes were done. The playroom was decent looking. I just kept at it. Plugging away. Non stop moving. All while making good food and starting to love cooking again because I could do it in a nice and clean kitchen. One by one these things started to slip away…again. I know my house is not going to be perfect. But I thought I had found my groove. I was happier. Calmer. I went to bed feeling at peace. Why is it sometimes I feel like the only one that cares? My husband loved the clean house. My 5 year old even commented about how nice it was to have everything looking so nice. So how could it have all gone wrong so fast? I don’t know.
Now today my son who is 2 has decided to start hitting and kicking things. Mostly me. And his sister on occasion. Why is he doing this? I have no idea. We are peaceful here. No spanking or hitting of any sort. Yet I was a punching bag for the two tiny fists that he has. He was not angry doing this. He thinks it is funny. Or some sort of game. But I am beat down (or beat up for that matter). I just don’t know where I went wrong. Atleast today. I wish I could go back a few days. It was easier when my house was clean. But when you go go go for so long you need a break. And I guess that was my mistake. I should have never stopped moving. I did…for what seemed like a split second. I stopped moving. And it all fell apart.
Boys are rough. My little man…for being such a tiny person can be so hard on things. My little girl was never this rough. Even when she would get mad as a toddler she would storm off with her little arm moving back and fourth…but never violent. This little boy is giving me a run for my money.
And just with that last sentence typed…I had to put my phone down from writing this. He crawled into my lap with his tiny self. Sat on my lap and gave me a kiss and a hug. We had a whole conversation about thomas the train. Then about animal noises. And then some cuddles and tickles. Just in an instant the day of hell has been washed away with his kisses. I smile again. I am still exhausted. And beat down. But I can remember again what makes it all worth it.
Today is my 8 year anniversary. Looking back over these 8 years I have so many things to be greatful for. My husband…who loves me unconditionally. He is my rock. My whole life. The reason I wake up in the morning and live my life. We have been through so much. More then some. And after all of that he still looks at me with love in his eyes. He has stood by me through things that any normal person would have bailed on…but he didnt. Because he loved me. And that is rare. In this day in age I think that the kind of love we have is not normal. I look at him still to this day like I am a teenager. Butterflies in my stomach. ..waiting for him to touch my hand or give me a kiss. He is truly the most amazing person I have ever met. I live my life to make him happy. And I hope I am doing so. I am tired. Overworked. Overwhelmed. And I want him to know that I love him for doing all he does for me. He works hard to support me and our little family. And he deserves more then he gets. Husband you are my everything. The hottest most wonderful man ever. I hope I live up to your dreams.
Looking back on other things I now have a 2 year old. How did this happen? Didn’t I just bring him home from the hospital like a week ago? Henry…you are the second most amazing man I know. If you end up to be half the man your father is I will be one proud mama. You are so smart. I love you more then you will ever know. You have shown me so much already. You make me want to be a better person. Your hugs make me smile. Your intelligence makes me proud. And your love for your family makes me feel like I am doing all of the right things. I have 2 beautiful children. God has truly blessed me. I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
As for my baby girl. You have started school. So many big changes! You are so beautiful. So compassionate. So outgoing and brave. You make me so proud. I miss you so much not being home with me every morning. But the change is good. You are loving the school life. And I knew you would. I just have to get used to it. You are only almost 5 years old. Letting go of the control and constant time spent with you is hard for me. But good for you. And I am so happy you are adjusting so well. I knew you would. I love you. I can’t wait to see you fly through this world. You are going to do great things. I have no doubt. There is something special about you that draws people to you. It is amazing.
I look forward to the future. Eight years has flown by. So much has happened. Two trips to italy…buying a home…two babies…I can’t wait to see what happens next. I love you my little family of four.
What is dinner dip you ask? Only a little something that I threw together late at night after a long day with the kids. My husband and I had not eaten dinner yet. We were playing outside with the kids till after dark. Time slipped away. By the time we came inside it was past bedtime for the kiddos so I fed them something quick and sent them off to sleep. I had not been to the grocery store in a little while (which is unlike me) so I was really limited on what I had in the house. So I invented this dish. And it was better then I could have ever dreamed. I even made it again a week later for a group of friends that came over and everyone was loving it. My girlfriend even texted me the next day for the recipe. I hope you enjoy this. It is really fun…and a definite summertime dish. Here is what you will need:
1 1/2 lbs lean ground beef
1 box of salad greens
1/2 pint of cherry tomatos
Half a bunch of cilantro chopped
1 small red onion
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 1/2 old elpasso taco seasoning packs
1 can Goya black beans
1 orange pepper diced small
Saute your ground beef and drain the fat. Cook it just as if you were making tacos with the seasoning. I actually never make tacos this way. I don’t like them lol after eating tacos with shredded beef…homemade corn tortillas. ..and fresh Pico I can’t go back to box taco shells and ground beef. But I had the seasoning from a dip I make so I used it! And now I love it again…well for this recipe lol. Chop up your lettuce sort of fine. Quarter your tomatos. Dice your onion small. Dice your peppers small. Basically what you are doing is making a sort of chopped salad. Shred your sharp cheddar cheese. Yes…shred it. Yourself! Please don’t buy the bagged kind. It is dry and flavorless. It has its place…but not in this dip! Drain and rinse your black beans. I always buy goya. It is my favorite brand for beans in a can! Then…throw it all in a bowl. Toss tog. I add a few shakes of hot sauce. But you do not have to. Serve with tortia chips. You will not regret this. Just scoop it up like a dip. It is even good cold the next day! I hope you enjoy it. I sure did and will be making it again soon.
When I was younger…before I had children…I would sit and try and imagine what kind of mother I would be. I would day dream about my 5 children all running around while I smiled and and sat on my big wrap around porch out in the country. I would always be wearing an apron because I would be in the kitchen baking all sorts of homemade goodies and scrumptious foods. My husband would come home and I would have fresh baked cookies waiting for him. He would kiss me and we would sit together and watch sunsets.
And then I had children….
Reality sets it. You realize almost none of these things are possible. Well…almost none of them. Life is crazy. Your time in the kitchen is limited because you have a tiny human attached to your leg trying to go for a ride. You try and shield them from the splattering polenta on the stove. You start yelling for your husband to come and get this child before he gets burned just as he walks in the door from work and is setting his stuff down. (Although he does hug and kiss me as soon as he come in first) most days I think what am I doing wrong? Why is my house not clean? Why is my baby’s face covered in dirt and we didn’t even go outside! Why are we eating dinner at 730pm…I swear I started to cook it at noon. An apron? Who am i kidding. My kids use my shirt to wipe their face on most days. Five children? What was I thinking! The two I have seems like all I can handle. And although a third is not off the table…it is probably not in the stars. I love my family. I love my babies. I love my husband. But life seemed so much easier when I was daydreaming about it.
My ultimate goal. Get back to my day dream and make it a reality. I may not have the wrap around porch (yet). I may not have all of those children…or fresh baked goodies everyday. But maybe I can. Maybe I just need to manage things better. Maybe I need to put priorities in a different order. I don’t know yet. But I had a vision of a mother and wife that I wanted to be. I want to get back to trying to be that. I will start small. Maybe try to bake a little more. My daughter starts half day preschool in sept. I want to be the mom who has snacks waiting for her when she gets off the bus. My mother always did and it was lovely. I want to be the house the kids always want to come to. The cool house with the cool mom that can bang out chocolate chip cookies in 20 min. I want to walk around with flour on my face and sauce on my apron. Hopefully things will calm down here soon. I just have alot of obligations I have to get ready for over the next few months.
But I will continue to day dream…about the life I want to have…and someday it will be a reality. This I promise to myself.
As a stay at home mom you know what your “job” is. You take care of your children first. There is laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning (oh the cleaning!) , cooking, making sure everyone has everything they need and want. You are the mom. You are incharge. The pantry is stocked. The bathroom has toilet paper. The paper towels are in abundance. There is shampoo, conditioner, q-tips, lotion, toothpaste, deodorant and whatever else is regularly used always there because you made sure of it. Your mind is always going to the next thing. What will someone need next? Who is hungry? Who is sad? Who needs clothes? What do I need for dinners or lunches this week? You put back that shirt in target you wanted because you remembered you need to buy diapers and coffee for your house. And you can’t justify spending the $18 on a new shirt when you know if will have a stain on it the first day you have it on anyway. What people fail to realize….is all of this. The whole time you are thinking of your family…your home…all of the needs of others…who is thinking of you? Your home may not run like a well oiled machine like you want it to. But your love for your home and family is endless. You physically and mentally work day and night to make sure everyone else is happy. But who is doing that for you? Suddenly you feel sorry for yourself. Sad. Invisible. No one sees you. No one notices the things you do. You feel taken for granted. Why is it that with the hardest job I have ever had in my life am I getting no praise for the job I’m doing?
And then I realized….
This time in my life is not about me. It’s about my babies. It is about us as a whole. I am noticed. But I am noticed through my children. When someone says to me in a store “wow your children are so well behaved” or “it is so nice to see little girls in dresses…people don’t dress their little girls like little girls anymore. She is beautiful”. I did that. I am home making sure they get the love and attention they need. I bought that beautiful dress. I taught them to say please and thank you. So I am seen. My children are my reflection. And that is what this is about now.
And although a little praise now and again would be nice. I think I can deal with being invisible for a while. Especially if it means my reflection shines.